In the Heart's Shadows
by Pantera Undone
Summary: The most painful thing is to stand beside what you love the most and know you cannot touch it. What darkness in our hearts is born of longing? A look at Riku's actions and betrayals from his own point of view. Male-male pairing,M for language
1. Beginning

[{(WARNING: This is a yaoi (boy-on-boy) fanfiction AND will only make sense if you know the Kingdom Hearts video games very well. Also, it was born in my mind from the ramblings of Riku's thoughts as I played the game. It's incomplete, but it feels better that way. I may add on to it later, but for now this is it. Enjoy!)}]

The first moment had been the hardest. The muscle-clenching, blood-warming punch to the gut, the shaky thrill as he realized he didn't think of Sora as just a friend anymore. In that moment, it had been almost impossible not to reach out, to tangle his fingers in the unruly brown hair and kiss him brainless. It had gotten easier as he'd learned control, as he'd subdued the cravings more and more, but the feeling itself didn't go away. Riku would have done anything, everything, for the chance to slide his tongue into Sora's mouth just once, to taste every sweet, honeyed inch of the moist cavern and entice the small, pointed tongue to play with his own.

Grimacing, Riku leaned back in his desk, legs spread to take the pressure off his partial erection. He knew better than think about Sora in a public place, but it was practically impossible not to. Especially when Sora sat next to him, in the desk between his and the window, and every little breeze sent the scent of his clean skin washing over Riku like a wave. How was he supposed to stand it? He'd been so freaked out last year, when Sora was a sweet and tender thirteen and Riku had first felt the curl of aggressive desire. He'd known that to try anything would ruin their friendship, and so he'd taken to skipping school and seeking distractions. Good for strengthening his self-control, bad for his grades. He'd been held back a year and was repeating the freshman year beside Sora. Literally beside him. If Riku reached his arm out, he could circle one fragile wrist with his fingers and drag Sora into his lap . . .

Riku shifted again and mentally groaned. He had to stop thinking about it.

"Hey Riku, what's the matter?" asked the bright, innocent voice next to him, just starting to curl with that teenaged rebellious lilt he'd probably learned from Riku. He felt a little bit like laughing or crying, but mostly he felt horny.

"Nothing. Just an itch." Riku yawned, eyes flicking up as their teacher bustled in. She was five-five, built like a porn star, with the face of a disapproving pixie. Every male in the classroom sat up straighter when she came in and nearly had a heart attack if she dropped a pencil. Nothing particularly interesting, in his opinion, but Riku was obliged to make occasional remarks about her ass or breasts to affirm he was a male and avert suspicion. And for the rush of watching Sora's sweet face blush. How much pinker would he get if he could see the fantasy running through Riku's head? The one where Riku pinned him on the teacher's desk and pulled his jeans off with his teeth?

"All right, class, time for a History pop quiz!" Everyone else groaned, but he was glad for the distraction. Anything was better than longing for what he couldn't have.

~ Three Weeks Later

Riku felt the rush of power, of darkness sinking and settling into him, felt the darkness inside him stretch out to meet it's match, and nearly laughed for the beauty of it. Finally, the unexplained shadow was rushing up and he had it firmly in his grasp, in his control, and he had the power to do anything he liked. He could escape this tiny island where he was trapped and stifled, take Sora and Kairi and get far, far away-

"Riku!"

Sora. A rush of feeling hit him and he smiled, giddy from the power and the lust rising in him. "The door, the door has opened, Sora!" He wasn't sure what he was saying, but it bubbled up anyway. His thoughts of escape, of leaving the island behind even if it meant their parents and their friends, he said all of them out loud.

"B-but what about Kairi?" Sora asked, confused and worried.

"Kairi's coming with us!" Riku said fiercely, refusing to leave behind the girl who was like a little sister to him. Even if he knew Sora would grow to love her and she would take him away, he couldn't feel anything but affection and protectiveness for her. Feeling the darkness surge, he held out his hand to Sora, offering everything he had, his feelings manifesting in black vines that grew up over his body and Sora's, and grew deeper and deeper within him.

Sora was straining, trying to reach him, then blackness filled his mind and jerked him away as something bright and shining swept past. For a second Riku felt a connection- brutal, pure, fierce, kind, beautiful, shining with light- then it was wrenched away by the shadows around him and the dark became complete.

~ One Week Later

Who were they? Riku fumed on the inside even as he grinned and bantered with Sora, looking so cute in those goofy jumper shorts he was still wearing. He despised those two idiots who were laughing and touching, God, _touching_ Sora, as if they had the right! It was infuriating enough to ruin the lingering taste of Sora's fingers in his mouth. To distract himself, Riku picked up Sora's weird sword, turning it this way and that, watched it glinting in the light. The key and crown motif seemed a little lame to him, but the power that hummed beneath his hand was considerable. For a second, he wondered at the connection he felt, the readiness in his hands, then tossed it back to an irate Sora. Apparently Sora was the Chosen Wielder of that blade and it didn't do to have Riku snagging it right out of his hand.

Still, when Sora began bickering with those two idiots over their airship and taking Riku with them, he had to slide away before he did something regrettable, like slice them to pieces and claim Sora violently right there on the ground.

"See? It's just as I told you. He's found new companions. He doesn't need you anymore."

He gritted his teeth together, barely keeping his temper in check. Maleficent, poofing up from green fire, as always with her crazy outfit and her oily, evil voice. She drove him absolutely batshit, she was so fucking annoying. It didn't help that she was yakking about the very thing that bugged Riku the most: the cozy little scene that Sora was in and he was not. It hurt- God, it hurt- to think that Sora didn't need him, didn't even think of him, while Riku couldn't breathe for missing him.

Pulling away from Maleficent and her ongoing chatter, he opened a dark portal and slid away to brood and plan. The witch demanded his service in exchange for the means to get Kairi back. Once Sora had been part of that deal too, but . . . he now seemed out of reach.

Riku's heart stuttered, ached. His face hardened. If he couldn't get Sora to join him, the least he could do was get his attention . . .

~ Undetermined Later

Oh God. Was there a name for this pain, this madness?

Memory flashed through his mind and he sobbed again, pressing the heels of his hands into his tear-wet eyes until the pain was almost as bad as the one in his chest. His body curled deeper into the tiny nook he had found in the most obscure corner of Maleficent's castle as he tried to hide from the image burning his eyes.

Sora, crouched in readiness and sword ready, blue eyes crackling with energy and anger as he prepared to fight Riku. Over a stupid puppet that could save Kairi from the void of a lost heart.

_"Heart or not, at least he has a conscience."_

Heart ripping and burning painful fury, Riku had sneered, snarling, _"Conscience?" _in a mocking voice. What did Sora know of such a thing? He could never know the bitter taste of having to choose between following his heart or letting his beloved stay innocent, between staying on the path of 'good' or saving his friends. He'd never had to choose like Riku had.

_"My conscience is saying you're on the wrong side!"_

Riku couldn't breathe. So this was his payment, then, for letting Sora stay naive all this time. He'd played it as a game, competitive and brash as all best friends were, never letting the darkness of his feelings eclipse the joy of Sora's smile. That innocence, that childish belief in all things good had now alienated him from the very person he cared for most of all. Perhaps he should've taken that innocence when he'd had the chance, by force if necessary.

The darkness in him surged, furious and wounded, seeking a target. Sora had spurned him, rejected his feelings, attacked the loyalty that was all Riku had left to cling to. His hands were dirty, his honor compromised for the sake of the ones he loved, and now even that had been questioned.

Sora did not love him back. He never would.

Fine, then. Black fire rose to burn cold and vicious in Riku's heart, bitterness and pain replacing love as his motivation. Resentment, even hatred began to eat away at the image of Sora he'd always kept in his heart.

If this was how Sora wanted it, then Riku would play it that way. They would see just who was better at breaking a good friend's heart. He was nothing if not competitive, he thought with a cold smile, aqua eyes shining with darkness and acid tears. They would see, wouldn't they, just who could play this dark game better.

If Sora would not accept him, if he wanted Riku as an enemy, then that's what he would be. He would be an enemy of such horror that Sora's heart would break to pieces from the pain. The darkness in Riku's soul rose and rippled in pleasure.


	2. Beginning's End

How had everything gone so wrong?

Riku curled into himself, trying to breathe past the pain burning through his body. He wasn't even _in_ his body anymore, he was trapped in some dark inner prison as Ansem ran wild in his place, yet the pain didn't seem to know that.

Ansem. The name of his darkness, a crueler and more vicious thing than he'd understood. Even as good as he'd been at controlling it, still he hadn't realized. Ansem, the dark mage hiding within Riku's own heart and soul. He'd sunk in, carved himself a place so long ago Riku couldn't remember. Something to do with the secret place below the tree, the key hole that had appeared on the door, but he couldn't focus through the fire in his muscles and mind.

And now, with Ansem fully separated from Riku and his heart pulled free, he could finally see what he'd done to the ones he'd loved. Kairi, that sweet girl, and Sora . . .

Riku trembled and buried his head in his arms. He'd hurt Sora. Fought him, tried to _kill_ him. He'd taunted him with Kairi, hurt and kidnapped people without guilt, and welcomed darkness so deeply within himself that it still burned there, aware, waiting for instructions. He'd messed with Sora's head, taken his sword and his friends, inflicted every pain he could think of. Sora had somehow struggled and prevailed, stronger because of it, but it didn't change that Riku had done it. Even with his own heart tainted by the lies of another, he couldn't be forgiven . . . Riku shivered and prayed the end came soon, because this pain was so horrible, he didn't know if he could take it. Faintly he could hear the words Ansem spoke through him, but he paid little attention.

Until he heard Sora's voice.

_"Kairi! Kairi, open your eyes!"_

_"It's no use. That girl has lost her heart. She cannot wake up."_

_"You're not Riku- who are you? Please, let Riku go! Give him back his heart!"_

Sora. Riku sat up, reaching to press against the black walls closing him in. Sora wanted him back? Tremors went through him at the beautiful thought. Sora wanted him. Sora didn't hate him, even after all he'd done to earn it.

_"Aah! W-what-?"_

_"Don't you see? She's responding! The princess's heart rests within you!"_

_"Kairi . . . Kairi's inside me?"_

Of course. In the bitter, beautiful clarity of hindsight, Riku had to admit it made perfect sense. Kairi hadn't become a Heartless because her pure, untainted heart already belonged to Sora.

A shock of pure pain and fear went through Riku. They were fighting. He could feel it, the shock of swords clashing. That bastard Ansem was using the Dark Keyblade to try and kill Sora. No, no, no! Riku grappled with the darkness, biting and scratching and hitting. He would do whatever it took to save Sora and Kairi from this madman that he had inadvertently brought into their lives . . .

The fight was over, Ansem temporarily driven back, but it hardly mattered. The moment Sora impaled his heart on the dark sword and dropped himself into the darkness, a wave of pain and sorrow cut through Riku so fiercely that he screamed. He screamed and screamed until Ansem snapped at him and went to finish off Kairi and the King's lackeys once and for all.

_No. Not my body. You will not destroy the last of my family with my body._

Riku screamed even louder than before and ripped through the walls holding him, uncaring of the damage to his soul. Light- beautiful, shining gold- filled him and he held Ansem back with all his strength.

"No! You won't . . . use me for this," Riku groaned. His eyes opened and he could see Kairi, Donald and Goofy looking forlorn behind her. Kairi was so precious, concern for him flooding her eyes even after all he'd done. He would treasure that look of love when he was trapped once more in eternal darkness. His heart, what was left of it, clenched in his chest as he felt the hidden ones gathering. "The Heartless are coming! You've got to get away!"

"What about you?"

Warmth filled him, peace after all the pain that he'd brought himself. He shook his head. He'd be just fine. He had earned this fate, after all. The King's men would keep Kairi safe, and he was grateful for that. Now, with Sora dead and Kairi whole and alive, Riku no longer had a reason to fight for his life. Still gripping Ansem tightly, he plunged them both back into the darkness.

For a very long time, darkness. Until the end of the world came and someone thought lost appeared to fight once more.

Such a battle. So deep and violent, so churning and fierce. Locked where he was, he could only cheer silently for his friend and beloved. And when Sora fell, he reached out, touching for only a moment the heart he loved so deeply. After so long and so much, the familiar banter of their island life was a balm to his mind.

"Giving up already? C'mon, Sora, you know you can do better than that."

Sora reacted, heart accepting Riku's touch, and started fighting again, fiercer and more powerful, just as Riku had known he would.

And when the fight was over, the door he'd helped open had to be shut again. The King fought the Heartless inside that strange, glowing dark place, and Riku pulled and struggled to close the huge white door. Just seeing Sora on the other side, knowing he had been forgiven, was all the happily-ever-after he needed.

Sora's sapphire blue eyes, so young and alone, were the last thing he saw. Needing to know they would be okay without him, he said with all the unspoken love he possessed, "Take care of her." _Take care of each other. Love each other for me._

Then the door closed, and there was nothing but King Mickey and the cold, familiar darkness that Riku knew so well.


	3. Interim

The container was cold, the way it always was when he rested his hand against it. The black gloves he wore couldn't cut the chill of the opaque glass prison holding his reason to live inside of it.

His blindfold had increased his other senses tenfold. He knew Diz was looking at him, but didn't bother to explain. He hadn't explained the dozen other times he'd stood here, silent, reaching out to the part of Sora that was contained within. Let the man think he was overcome with guilt over his friend. Let him think whatever he wanted. Riku didn't care.

Namine gave him a sympathetic look with those eyes so much like Kairi's. She knew, he was certain. Her powers over the heart and it's secrets made that a given, but she was too kind to speak of it to him or anyone else. It was just as well. Too many times he'd fought the dark craving to ask if it were possible to leave the memories of Riku's sins out, or to place a memory in Sora's heart of knowing about Riku's feelings and returning them. He had no intention of ever acting on that dark impulse, nor of speaking to Sora of his feelings after he woke. Riku didn't plan on speaking to Sora at all, actually. After everything he'd done, everything he'd taken away, he didn't deserve to be close to Sora anymore.

Besides which, even though he had overcome the crippling fear of his inner darkness, he still did not trust it. He was of both dark and light, and a mix as unstable as that couldn't be allowed to mess with Sora's life any more than it had already.

"Riku, I have a job I need you to do. There's a Nobody named Roxas, living in The World That Never Was. I need you to bring him here. He will help Sora awaken."

Wordlessly Riku nodded, dropping his hand and walking out of that white, cold room. The heavy leather of his black robe weighed on him like his duty, inescapable and necessary. Though he wanted with all his heart to help Sora, he also dreaded the day it was finished, because that would be the end of his closeness to the boy he'd loved all his life.

It hurt so bad, knowing he hadn't been strong enough, hadn't been good enough to manage to take the boy down. A boy with horribly familiar eyes and two keyblades that made Riku's heart burn in fury. No, he could not lose, he had to win for Sora's sake. For Sora, he would do _anything._

His body was burning in pain from the change, burned and cramped. His bones ached and heaviness pressed on his chest. His eyes saw things in a skewed, orange-lighted way, and from a dizzyingly high perspective. He flexed his hands in the black leather gloves, feeling the clench of the thicker, meatier muscles in his arms. The power in this form was considerable, as the now-unconscious body of his target attested, but the poison-like burn made it an unequal trade. Only knowing it furthered his goals made it worth it.

Looking in the glass shards from a nearby broken window, seeing the dark face and orange eyes of his worst enemy reflecting light back at him, Riku felt a sob-like laugh break from his throat. _Well, I never meant to see him again anyways. Now I can't. Sora's safe from me no matter what happens._

So he scooped up the unconscious boy and took him back to the lab. He did everything Diz needed to set up the stage for Sora's reawakening. And when Diz turned so calmly and asked him his name, Riku felt his resolve turn to crystal flame. He scooped his hood back and said calmly, "It's Ansem." He raised an eyebrow when Diz laughed with a hint of madness, but didn't care what the man thought one way or another. He did this for Sora, the boy he loved slumbering in the flower of cold glass, slowly regaining the memories of Riku's betrayal.

Of course, Diz was still a suspicious entity. Riku didn't trust his motives, and he knew his plans contradicted Mickey's in a few important places. Between the two, it was easy to pick a side. Riku tucked away the items and information he knew would be needed later, letting Diz think him a biddable tool. The red-bandaged man was so arrogant and vengeance-focused, it was hardly difficult. Were his tools and knowledge not necessary to revive Sora, Riku wouldn't have tolerated the man's grating attitude, but it wasn't smart to start being confrontational yet.

Even Namine had her own ideas about Diz's plans, if her recent actions were anything to go by. She seemed drawn to Roxas, fascinated by him. It seemed like she was trying to help him deal with what was coming, or perhaps escape from it. It wasn't hard to imagine why. As the Nobodies of Sora and Kairi, they were drawn together from the deepest spark inside of them. Riku watched with sadness and guilt as Namine reached out, unable not to. Sadness because he understood that bittersweet, beautiful longing, and guilt because he couldn't let her follow it through. Not out of malice or envy, but because his own beloved required the death of hers to reawaken, and he wouldn't let her feelings stop that.

Standing in front of the monitors and watching Roxas trying to fight the Nobodies swarming him, Riku smiled without humor. His motives, his powers, even his shape and face had changed, but one thing was still very much the same. He still dirtied his hands every day, doing whatever dark thing was necessary, to get what he wanted. Really, it was no wonder Sora had raised a weapon against him. He was just the same as the enemies Sora was fated to fight. Zexion had been right about that, if nothing else. Riku could accept that mark on his heart, if it meant Sora woke up.

There was no mistaking it. Even worlds away, mid step through a dark portal, Riku knew. The instant his heart leapt and a sensation like frothing white bubbles rose through his soul, he knew Sora had woken. It took several tries to begin breathing properly again, because the mix of longing and joy was so dizzying he almost lost the portal he'd made. It was beyond tempting to remake the portal and go to Sora's side, but he couldn't. All the plans he'd made might not have stopped him, but his face did. He couldn't greet Sora wearing the face of their enemy. He took a long breath, and stepped out of the portal to where he had to go next. Mickey was waiting to speak to him about the next step of their plan.

The sound of the familiar voice made his heart leap in excitement. Riku took a deep gasp of breath and ran into the next area, the cold air sharp on his grinning face. Hearing the crunch of snow far behind him widened the grin further. It was so silly, but he enjoyed this game of chase as much as he'd enjoyed racing or dueling Sora back on their island home. His black robe made him anonymous, safe, as Sora- so much bigger now!- chased after him, his trusty keyblade and knucklehead friends ready at his side. Riku grinned wider, running up the snowy hills until he got to the top, where that swarm of little lightning Heartless was milling around. It needed to be dealt with anyway, and this would clue Sora in to the Heartless dragon about to wake up. Riku had been planning on pestering the Emperor into dealing with it, but Sora was more than capable of dealing with the problem now.

The swarm surrounded the sheltered area between the mountain peaks as Sora ran off into the thick of it with the two knuckleheads. Riku felt nothing but slight envy for the King's men at his side. He'd been dumb enough times himself not to be in a judging position, and they at least had stood loyal and true at his dear one's side. He stood back with a wistful smile as he watched them run into battle together.

Then, oddly enough, Sora paused, standing still and slowly turning around. The searing blue eyes landed on Riku and widened. The look felt like a physical touch, burning his soul and making his body shudder. Knowing the black cloak hid him, Riku let himself soak in Sora's bright eyes, his crazy brown hair, the interesting changes to his face in the lost year. He was taller, his clothes more intricate and mature-looking. Powerful, too, if the raised hairs on Riku's arms were any indication. He was still beautiful.

And he was staring at Riku so intently that he wasn't noticing the lightning heartless about to clonk him on the head. Riku bit his lip and pointed silently, trying not to laugh. Sora looked incredulous, then turned around and yelped, swatting the little Heartless away with his blade.

The buzzing swarms whirled around them as Riku slowly pulled out his blade and readied it. If he didn't distract Sora, the boy might follow him and find out what Riku was up to. A good fight, Sora would understand, and Riku knew his own strength well enough not to hurt him too bad. It had been too long since they'd sparred anyways.

Their swords met and sprang apart, bodies moving quickly around each other. Riku saw many gaps but didn't press them, standing back and letting Sora heal himself and fight the small Heartless flying around. It was a pleasure to see him again like this, a little unsteady, but already getting his fighting skills back. There would be bruises on Riku's body later.

After a few minutes Riku stopped, feeling the vibrations of the dragon nearby. He waited for Sora to look away and made a break for it, knowing the dragon Heartless would get his attention before the boy followed. It was sad the game was over, but at least he'd gotten to spend a little more time with Sora, something he hadn't expected. Best of all, Sora would never realize who he'd actually been fighting.

A moment later the wind brought Sora's voice to him, soft and uncertain.

_"Riku?"_

His chest ached from the sudden jerk of his heart. Riku froze, a hand clenched to his breastbone. Sora knew him? Somehow, with nothing but battle moves to judge by, he'd known him . . .? Riku shuddered and had to blink moisture from his eyes before stepping through his portal to the Emperor's throne room. The show had to go on, after all. His role was far from over. Though he did his task of warning the Emperor as effectively as any other duty he'd performed, he was happier than he could remember being for almost two years. It showed in the overly flashy way he defeated the Captain of the Guard, and the way he couldn't help smart-mouthing the Emperor. His grin wouldn't fade even as he teleported away to his next task.


End file.
